Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Im literally this close to punching you out.
I will never forget my first job interview for my first big girl job right out of college. I was barely 22 and zesty. It was for a job at a real estate/escrow company. (which I still work in this field) I remember in the interview going on and on about how much I love people. How I loving getting to know people's stories and helping them out and just doing the best I can to make people happy. Customer service was my top priority.
And it was not just something I said to get the job. I meant it. I DID love people. I did love talking to them, getting to know them, helping them... whatever. I would meet people after work all hours of the day to get them to sign some document. I would go to their work, house, hospital, sonic.. whatever it took to make my customer happy because I just loved people so much.
Fast forward six years in this business/life. I DONT love people anymore. In fact, I don't even like people. I dare not say I hate people, but I am almost as close as a Christian person can be.
I will admit the following variables have had something to do with it:
A. My work load is much heavier.
B. I have much less free time.
C. I have been chewed out more times than I can count because "All my stuff is in a moving van and if you don't get my closing done I'm going to burn your F'ing house down."
D. My stress level is much higher.
E. I've heard more sob stories than a Nicholas Sparks novel.
F. I've seen more drama in the closing room than an episode of The Kardashians.
----->This list could go on, but I think you get the point and the point is: Life can easily harden you.
I found myself in a situation last week with a young guy who had sold his house and needed to close on his new house or he "had no where to go/would be sleeping on the streets/had no money/was going to die a horrible death." I was being pressured and pestered the entire day to make this happen, when it was completely out of my control. I actually said these words out loud: "I dont care. At all." (followed by some comment about how a man making 80k a year needs to learn to manage his money better if he "doesn't even have enough money to stay one night in a hotel."
I went home that night and cried. Not because of this guy, (His house closed and he moved in--Anna saves the day) but because of how much I truly didnt care. I literally could not care less. Why? Because I've become so hardened to it. Hardened to life.
How did I notice such a shift?
I have felt so ashamed of this confession within in my own heart that "I don't like people." What a horrible person. Who doesnt like people, right?
But then I heard my very own preacher say the same words in a different context. He went on to explain how life hardens us all. We are all hardened in some form or fashion and we all find ourselves in situations or stress where we say or do things unfitting to ourselves. Encountering people in these situations is a snowball effect: when we encounter them, it puts us into a funk. Then we pass that along to others and the snowball keeps rolling.
Somehow hearing him say those words opened my eyes and made me realize that I dont have to like people. But we ARE called to LOVE people as Christ loved us.
Heres the real truth: That. Is. Incredibly. Hard. To. Do.
Sometimes you just wanna punch somebody out.
We all find ourselves in this predicament from time to time. Or all the time. Sometimes just naming it and knowing others experience those same feelings provides enough comfort to see us through.
May our hearts never be too hardened to see the Light, to see the Good and to see the Beautiful. May we push through the bad to see the Great. May we love others even when it seems impossible.